Twelve Tips for Having a Happier Family

It is in our nature to pursue happiness; why, then, is misery is so common? How is it that the rates of depression in the U.S. are ten times higher than 50 years ago, and the average age of onset is 14 compared to 29 in the 1960s? Where have we gone wrong?

Fortunately, there is Good News: The Positive Psychology Movement has ushered in the new Science of Happiness. We now know that happiness can be learned. In this article you will find proven tools and simple strategies that can improve the quality of your life. An uplifting approach, new skills, and different choices can make a world of difference. When you make positive choices, you begin an upward spiral in which things will get better and better.

Here are Twelve "Happiness Boosters":

1. Close relationships. The most important factor for having a satisfying life is close relationships. Brain research tells us that humans are "hardwired for connection". As we improve our skills for getting along with others, family life gets better and better.

2. A sense of purpose. In order to be happy, we need to have a sense of direction, of purpose. Children give our lives new meaning-a profound sense of purpose. All the things we do for them on a daily basis-feed and clothe and comfort them, teach and support them-are part of our mission of being a good parent.

3. Nurture positive emotion. When we are enjoying positive feelings, we are creative, expansive, and tolerant. When we are in a good mood we are more likable, and connections are more likely to improve. This is also true for our children and our partners. It's worth the effort to put more positive emotion in their lives and our own.

4. Positive expectations. When adults have negative expectations of children, they project them onto the kids. Kids "read" that, and don't want to disappoint you; so they are likely to do what you really don't want them to do. Children live up to-or down to-your expectations. Expect good things of them to inspire the positive behaviors you want.

5. Improve your listening skills. Remember a time you had something important to say and you were not listened to. What happened inside of you? Now remember a time when the person really listened, hanging on to every word you said. You felt important, loved, worthwhile. Good listening is a gift-to both people. It is an opportunity to be in tune with another, to experience their inner world, to have empathy, to be connected. This skill is crucial for connecting with others and for being happy.

6. Keep feelings moving. To be healthy and happy we need to know how to deal with a full range of feelings. "Healthy kids emote all the time; they roar and cry and yell and giggle and keep their emotions in motion, moving through them." (The Winning Family) All emotions are okay. You can help them by letting them express them and naming the feeling. When kids can "talk it out" they don't have to "act it out", or hold the feelings inside. Getting comfortable with all of your own feelings can help you reparent yourself, as you parent your child.

7. Let go of perfectionism. "Perfectionism is the world's greatest con game. It's a concept that doesn't fit reality." (On the Wings of Self-Esteem) My favorite definition of a perfectionist is: someone who takes great pains and gives them to others! Humans are not perfect. Kids drop, spill, forget things, and so do we. When we expect "perfect", we end up being frustrated, disappointed, angry-very unhappy. Decide right now to stop pretending to be perfect. Laugh at bloopers. Resolve to learn how to let go of perfectionism.

8. Play more. Be silly. Have more fun. When we play, important things are happening beneath the surface. The thrill of being alive pervades our bodies. If you have forgotten how to play5B4, your children can help you remember. My children helped me remember some wonderful old games like hide and seek and squirt-gun fights, and encouraged me to try new games-like hackey-sack and riding a skateboard.

Through our children we can see the world with fresh eyes. With them we can cut loose from stuffy adultness, be totally foolish-and get away with being unforgivably silly! We can reclaim forgotten parts of ourselves and rediscover the finer point of childhood. Families - and life - are supposed to be fun!

9. Appreciation and Gratitude. Moms work hard. Dads work hard. Yet research has found that they mostly don't feel appreciated. Then they can feel resentful and grumble about how hard they work and how ungrateful everyone is. The Good News: appreciation is easy to give, and furthermore, it can improve the emotional climate in your home.

Here's a homework assignment for you: Make a Gratitude List. Every day think of five or ten things you are grateful for. Do it with your family. Talk about this at dinner, or when you're putting your kids to bed. Focusing on gratitude will make you happier.

10. Simplify, simplify, simplify. We Americans are trying to fit more and more things into less and less time. And it doesn't work. Too much stuff and too many activities stress and overwhelm us. As material possessions are on the rise, so are the levels of depression. Too much stuff burdens us 5B4and distracts us from what really brings us happiness: a sense of purpose and meaning, and playing and having fun on a daily basis.

11. Adjust your focus. Do you see the glass half empty or half full? On the report card do you first see the low grades or the high grades? Are you a fault-finder or a strength-builder? I remember visiting my mother when I was pregnant with my first child. I wore a dress that I made that was admired by my fellow teachers. I was eager to show it off to my mom. I knocked and she opened the door, looked me over from top to bottom and said: "You have a spot on your dress." Sadly, she missed the beauty of the garment and my excitement and triumph in creating it. Finding what was wrong hurt me deeply and disconnected us another notch. If she had had a positive focus she could have seen the beauty and my excitement; it would have been a sweet moment that brought us closer. (Later, she might have mentioned the spot and helped me remove it. This would have felt like a favor, not an attack.)

12. Emotions are contagious. Little children who are loved and cared for have a natural joy; when you're in tune with them, it can infect you. Older children, even ten-year-olds can be taught the skills of optimistic and hopeful thinking and action. In The Optimistic Child, Martin Seligman reports that doing that cuts their rate of depression in half when they go through puberty. Adults can also l5ACearn to be optimistic-if they really want to learn. As you apply these tips you will notice an increase your own positive feelings - and in your family members. Begin now, and keep at it. Little changes can make a big difference.

Making your kids happy makes you happy. And when you are happy -and smiling more-your kids will be happier-and laughing more. These choices, these changes, can begin an upward spiral towards having a happier family.

2008 Dr. Louise Hart is a parent educator, author, mom and grandmother.

She wrote two books packed with information about improving happiness and self-esteem.

Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) praised On the Wings of Self-Esteem: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself can help you change negative patterns and create more happiness.

To find out more about Louise's next Teleclass: "How to Have a Happier Family", visit: http://www.louisehart.info/teleclass.htm To learn more about her books and workshops, or to sign up for the "risk-free" newsletter, go to: 2F3http://www.louisehart.info/

Power Of Intention
Power Of Intention Dyer